The Unlove List


It’s Valentine’s weekend and someone just stole my wheelie bin so here’s a list of things I really don’t love. I’ve taken the liberty of missing out the glaringly obvious, so you can take it for granted I’m still anti-U2, Turkish Delight and general injustice. There’s something awfully cathartic about a good old moan.

(You might want to listen to “I Don’t Love Anyone” by Belle and Sebastian whilst reading this blog).

Things I Do Not Love:

  1. People who steal wheelie bins
  2. Eddie Redmayne’s face
  3. Markets
  4. Russian Literature, (and before you ask, have I read Chekhov’s short stories? I have, and I didn’t much like them. Sorry).
  5. Cats.
  6. Dogs.
  7. Pretty much every other animal with the exception of foxes, penguins and Shetland ponies.
  8. People who save tables in coffee shops while their partner waits in line for the coffee so when you get to the end of the line there are no tables for you to sit at.
  9. When the BBC move Casualty to accommodate Rugby/The Eurovision/Last Night of the Proms/other “supposedly” more important events.
  10. Animated films. All animated films. You’re not going to convince me otherwise so please stop trying to make me watch Howl’s Moving Castle or Up!
  11. When electric doors open so slowly you have to change your walking pace to avoid walking straight into the glass.
  12. Cricket.
  13. Magic.
  14. Very small shops where, when you walk in it is only you and the shopkeeper and you feel embarrassed that you don’t want to buy anything, (this may be why I also don’t love markets).
  15. Poems about trees.
  16. Poems about hedges.
  17. Poems about the wind in trees and hedges.
  18. Weddings, if it is not me getting married.
  19. The taste that is left behind in your mouth after you eat yellow or orange fruit pastilles.
  20. People who walk, very slowly, two or three abreast on the pavement so there is no room to overtake them without stepping into the road and potentially causing a road traffic incident.
  21. Ted talks.
  22. Fizzy alcohol of all varieties, Prosecco being the worst offender.
  23. People who find you standing on the edge of dance floors and refuse to believe you when you say you’re quite happy just standing around, nursing your glass of wine and not dancing.
  24. Songs where the lyrics are a form of nonsense eg. Radio GaGa and I am the Walrus.
  25. Skype. Mostly just Skype.

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